I always thought that dancing with the devil would look differently than this.  I thought it would be more epic.  More fun.  Riskier.  Sexier.  But when it comes down to it, it is more just like entertaining thoughts.  And as demon rage clings above my bed, staring down at me, I half heartedly think about letting him in.  About allowing him to infuriate me, and send me flying off the handle because it would feel so good.  It would feel so good to flip out and yell and emote something.  Rather than sitting here sulking and broken for the loss of my teammate. Tonight we found out that Blake is leaving us to join another group.  And  it would be a lie to say that I feel any other emotion than anger.




Blake is a man of integrity, and someone that I lean on and love and need.  And to have him yanked away after only four weeks feels cruel.  Four weeks is just long enough to fall in love with someone, and feel like the rest of the world comes down around you for the lack of them.  It's enough time to grow to laugh for the first time in years and mean it, then wonder if you can still laugh like that without them.  It's enough time to make some of your favorite memories of your lifetime, and realize that from now on that's all you will get to have.  It's time enough to be challenged beyond measure, and grow so quickly it hurts.   Four weeks might not be a lot of time to some.  But when you live with, walk with, and need someone for those weeks, it is difficult to trust yourself without them.  I feel like I have to go back to training camp.  And it isn't fair. And it isn't easy.   So tonight, just for tonight, I'm going to be angry.  I'm going to be bitter and hurt and confused.

But tomorrow will be better, because God is always good.  God will be found in this change.  God will move and be glorious and endlessly beautiful.   And  hopefully someday soon, the big cosmic plan will show me why this had to happen. 

 I will miss Blake fiercely.  And this, this will not change.